The Wail of Parents: It’s Not My Fault My Child is Spoilt

Interesting stuff over the last day or two in in the UK about advertising and children. The main thrust of which appears to be that the reason kids are fat, annoying, rude, stupid, lazy and pig ignorant is because Tomy advertise during Lazy Town (great show by the way, check it out).

Now, I’m not going to say that advertisers are a bunch of cool cats who simply want to give children lots of wonderful toys in a kind of Father Chrismas meets ‘Big’ way. That’s just naive. It wasn’t that long ago that they told children to have a fag because it made them run faster.

But it is a typical slice of this country at the curent moment. That being, It Weren’t Me It Was Them-ism.

I’ve been watching adverts all my life, much as everyone else on the planet. I don’t think I have ever stood up, walked out the room and demanded anything, other than GMTV be closed down, because of the rubbish they have just told me about how white my shirts could be, as Mick would say.

Yet it doesn’t stop the chorus of parents screaming how their kids are a nightmare because they demand things at every waking moment.

When I was a kid all I wanted was a football shirt. Literally all I wanted. But my parents simply would not get me one no matter how many times I wrote to Santa, because they made the decision that they would rather spend the money on something I would benefit from. They were the adults, they said what went and when, end of. In retrospect I wouldn’t have had it any other way, not because I automatically learnt something, but because it re-inforced the relationship of parent and child. It’s meant to be like that.

That outlook seems to have left the building. So here is Boatang’s top tip for parents:

Grow a Pair.

Get a big old pair of swingers down there and learn the word ‘No’, it really helps when raising a child. ‘But it’s so hard’, they yelp. Yes it is, it’s meant to be. No where does it say that it would be easy to be in Toys R Us with a 6 year old and tell them they can’t have the Super Galactic He-Man Booster Pack with Super Doo-Dahs that Jimmy Jones down the road has.

However, it will teach your child that not everything is easy and that if they want it, they can ask nicely next time they see Grandma (who will say no because Grandma is a hard-nosed Cow who knows whats what), or save up there 20p a week pocket money.

No, this is not enough. All adverts must be banned. All toys, all food, everything must be banned. Because if they don’t know about it they won’t want it. Are they dense?

Kids have always been like this to an extent. If it isn’t a Wii, it’s a cricket bat, or a toy slave, or a miniture flint that is like the big flint Daddy uses. It won’t stop anything. What will is parents getting a grip.

It is getting to the stage where it is annoying. We don’t want to get fat, so instead of not eating rubbish, we ban it or put big red lights on it, but we won’t stop selling of playing fields. That would be silly, where would one park one’s Disco’ to drop of one’s child?

Everything is a fad backed up by a fad to ban everything because it’s all evil. The real aim is to deconstruct Western culture and replace it with Islington, i.e a weird liberal wet world of cafe culture and giant cars and spoilt little brats who think dinner parties are swell at age 9. A world where everything is the wrong way round.

So keep the adverts, keep the food, keep the playing fields and keep your bans. I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.