Politics Isn’t Working…Here’s How It Can

Everyone knows that politics doesn’t work. Not in this country, not in most countries. So it’s probably worthwhile for folks like me, as infinitely amazing as we are, to sit down and come up with a few ideas for how politics can succeed in properly serving the people of a country. In this case, Britain.

I’ve got years of experience working in government departments, so I have a bit of an idea of what happens. Whitehall departments are stacked with staid out of touch senior civil servants that are employed and paid to nod their heads, and the more senior of them go to the PM every now and then to bullshit about how well their department is performing, and, most importantly, to barter for more money.

So the Whitehall departments get their ridiculous amounts of dough (always much more when Labour get in) and so long as they spend it all, they are pretty much guaranteed as much the next financial year. Therefore, there’s no incentive to use the money properly and every incentive to make up jobs, piss it all away and use lingo and bullshit a la carte served on a platter, to justify where it’s all gone and why. Labour ministers need no convincing of the merits of cash a la piss up the wall, because so long as they see cash get spent, they can rest their weary blessed consciences that after all, wealth is properly being redistributed, and all is well.

There’s one small problem. The system is fucked, it fucks everything up and everything gets fucked because it’s all a load of fucking shit. Unless I forget to mention, the word ‘fuck’ appears a lot because the word aptly demonstrates what happens to a nation when this sort of system is allowed to continue. It gets fucked.

The amount of money that gets wasted in government is the stuff of legend. Savvy journos talk about it, tax payers lament about it, and lefties down play it. Overall, however, it’s effects cannot be underplayed. Because unless we want to bankrupt this nation, politicians need to wake up and realise that urinating public money away indefinitely has consequences. And it’s also unfair, as it means there’s less wedge for important stuff. Like completely re-building the public transport system and infrastructure and overhauling the way we get about.

Solutions? Well, firstly, were I elected PM, as I may be be one day, I would completely change the way government works and how it’s various departments are funded. First step: decentralise. And I mean bring about devolution to the regions, in order to encourage and fan the flames of democracy. Then, set in place a system whereby the politicians and apparatchiks and lowly civil servants in those localised regions get paid and praised according to how wisely cash is spent.

Sound weird? Ok, follow this:

As a Libertarian, I tend to have a lot of faith in science, nature and consequently, the free market. Look at any business, and the boss knows that unless he works hard, spends his cash sensibly and appropriately, he will go under. He needs to compete, come up with new ideas and generally be a crafty fucker.

Let’s have a look at one amazing example of a top businessman. A perfectionist. Someone so anal, he is able to look after a sprawling empire whilst paying anal attention to detail. I am talking about a chef. His name, as everyone will have heard, is Gordon Ramsay.

I’ve just come back from holiday and have been blown away by his book “Playing with Fire” which I picked up from Waterstones at Manchester Airport. In this book, Ramsay knocks my bollocks off onto a plate by talking about things like ensuring letters are written properly and posted neatly and that the toilets are completely immaculate and designed to perfection. What a crotch stomper. If I were female, I’d tackle that man to the ground and impress my less noble parts on his cheek.

As a quick sampler, I give you a quick quote from page 98 of the paperback edition:

“The study of a restaurant and the movements, sight-lines and habits of its guests all combine to give a clear indication of what needs to be planned early on. A restauranteur would do well to look at all aspects of the operation. Take the ‘ladies and gents’ as an example: you should play the role of the guest, listing a thousand considerations, all of which will take you a step towards getting it right. From a seat in the restaurant, your guest will want to navigate a route to the loo with as little fuss as possible. A well trained waiter will gently indicate to you that he knows what’s on your mind and lead the way. Nothing beats this for guest attention…

…the doors leading to a lavatory in a restaurant are critical. Gentle swing-doors are to be considered. Who wants to touch handles in a place like this?…”

Now that’s what I’m fucking talking about. The man is a God. A genius. Just imagine if we could get politicians and civil servants to be that passionate and anal about their remits? The country would be one big fucking version of Switzerland without the mounds of ice and gaggles of bored checkpoint guards. It would be fantastic.

Have you seen ‘Casino’ wtih De Niro and Pesci? De Niro plays a Casino manager with mob ties. Unlike many of these gangster characters who slob over pasta and finish the night off wtih a messy murder and a glass of Scotch, ‘Ace’ Rothstein goes about his business with the grace and elegance of a gilded butterfly. Every single nano-detail is obsessed about, and when he realises that the chef in the kitchen puts disproprtionate amounts of blueberries in various muffins, he bollocks him and demands that an “equal amount of blueberries go in each muffin”. Why would he do this? Because he is a perfectionist businessman that knows to a tee what the punter wants and what the discerning punter is looking for. I admire this fucking shit, and if politicians behaved like this, I’d lick their envelopes and stick my ballot in their box.

I’m not just talking about efficiency and savings in departments, I’m talking the whole shebang. And in order to encourage the right sorts of people to go into politics and government, we need incentives. After all, ‘Ace’ Rothstein, the fictional character, and Gordon Ramsay, the larger than real life chef, wouldn’t be in business unless there was a pay off for them at the end. In government, the civil servants have no incentives to work hard (they are impossible to sack and performance related pay is a non starter) and the politicians have no incentive (they are enormously well paid and knowing their opposition on the other side of the House of Commons are equally as inept and clueless, are happy to stick about for the cash, kudos and possible Honours).

So, with the principles discussed in mind, I suggest some form of proper performance related incentive for politicians and civil servants. No more fat budgets to blow every finanical year, but a simple and democratic system whereby the feedback gained by the public in various localities get to vote on their satisfaction and their overall opinion on how their politicians and representatives have served them. The higher the rating, the better the pay and bonuses for the civil servants and politicians. Instead of budgets being spent and demanded again, every year would be a proper sit down session with a board of financial experts (or tight fisted fuckers as I would term them) who’s incentive would be to drive down waste and keep costs down. Regional government departments would have to convince the board yearly why they need cash and what it’s for, using the scoresheets from the public votes as back-up. Merely spending it all and saying you’re broke would not suffice as it does now…the system would be harsh and unrelenting, until every last penny was accounted for and appropriated sensibly.

The panel of financial fuckers would have an incentive themselves, with their decisions being published and held to account. There ain’t no rottweiler more vicious than the media and any loose decisions would be seized upon.

My plan is about complete openness, democracy and transparency. The people decide. They get to set, the a greater or lesser degree, the amount of money deserved to be paid to their politicians. Their feedback would determine whether a pay cut or a pay rise is in order. Let’s face it folks, when it comes to money, the dirty dollars, the pernicious pounds, the irksome Euros, people soon shape up and act fast if it affects their stash. Harsh and unseemly, but true. Why do you think politicians are so disrespectful and blase about their actions? Because they don’t really need to give a fuck or care about you: they are massively well paid and privileged and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. They line their pockets, we get shit services. End of.

Going back to the Ramsay discussion, I would love nothing more than to see my system bring about a political class of Ramsay’s and ‘Ace’ Rothsteins. Instead of lolling in offices, they would get out there and see first hand what was wrong and how to put it right. Take a Minister for Transport for example. He or she, along with their localised counterparts, would go cattle class on trains and on dirty buses and knackered roads and figure out, with the eye of a perfectionist, how to put it right. How to make it spot on first class for the public. After all, it is they they must please, not just for votes but for pay. You’d see no more filthy trains, late, overcrowded tubes and buses, packed roads and unsustainable petrol-propelled cars with their enormous running costs.

Department for Health? You’d kiss goodbye to MRSA and dirty wards in no time. Department for Work and Pensions? The welfare state would getting the trimming it needs for starters and the collosal leakage of cash and misappropriation of money wouldn’t last long.

And of the Home Office? Well, the most outrageous developments of recent decades would surely come to an end. As everyone knows, the public has been as vocal as it can be on the softness on crime, and no-one has lifted a finger. I dare say under my system we’d see the hopeless criminal justice system and unnecessary bureacracy placed on cops come to an abrupt end and rejuvinated into a proper working and healthy system.

Spiel over. Hope you followed and if you’d like to add your views, do comment below or email us using our new Contact Page.

Adios

John “The Don” Demetriou.